Posts 2022-03-27


I talk about being burnt out often enough that it might seem like it’s easy for me to admit. But it’s not. Everyone around me seems tireless. My attendings, who’ve been doing this for decades, don’t complain. I’ve been getting in my head about how the fact that I’m struggling means that I don’t belong.

I’m trying to leave that space, and remember why I chose to do medicine in the first place & Cardiology in particular. I’m trying to remember just how hard I’ve worked just to be here now, how much time I spent doing research on top of my 60-80 hour work weeks, how proud I should be that I was still true to my need to create through that. I’m rereading the essays I wrote for my fellowship application, and the comic I drew after the fact. I’m trying to deal with complicated feelings of feeling undervalued, with the sometimes bitter refrain in the back of my head that asks why medicine continues to ask me to prove myself despite what I’ve already achieved, and the realization that all my years struggling with imposter syndrome were actually just me dealing with misogynoir. I’m allowing myself to feel deserving & entitled & not feel bad about it.

And I’m trying to rest where I can. Bae 😍🥺 booked a night in a hotel + massage + dinner for us yesterday, & I’ve finally been getting to dive into my ARC of Babel by @kuangrf (it’s spectacular). I haven’t had a day to myself for a long time; almost all of my limited free time has gone to trying to maintain relationships. I’m realizing how much I’m burning out there, too. So, a mass request: if you know me irl, please don’t ask me to do anything until July. I have a hard time consistently saying no because I don’t want you to feel undervalued, but I quite literally have only 2 weekends off from now till mid May, after which I’ll have a wedding (x2) , & then a book launch. Just the prospect of having to be “on” in the face of the fatigue is daunting. I’ll be back, but rn I’m not okay, & in my quest to try to be a little better, I will need time for me.

#fabletics #moveinfabletics #fableticspartner #burnout

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