🪦 In today’s episode of “Having Some Time Off Really Should be Relaxing but Instead It’s Giving my Brain Enough Latitude to be like Why the Hell did you Sign up for This, Do You not Value Yourself at All”
Man. 🫀 is a trip, in that I love what I learn (I’m still slow as heck but I’m getting better at reading echos & EKGs & guidelines!), but I’m really starting to feel the weight of the personal sacrifices it’s taken me to get here. In my early 20s, it made sense to keep moving to the next ladder, to the next step, to always be grinding. Lately though, I’ve become a lot more aware of my mortality, of the value of my physical and mental health, of my relationships…and of just how much I want out of my life. I was never going to be the person who defined themselves as a Cardiologist full stop. I want kids I actually see. I want to maintain my creative drive. I want to open up my shop again, & to properly learn Spanish, & I’m tired of delayed gratification. Every time I get some time off, I can feel myself slowly thawing, inching toward personhood. Then I go back, and even on “chill” rotations, I feel trapped. The worst part of my first year hasn’t even hit yet. I keep hearing that this wasn’t a mistake, & that eventually things will get better, but I can’t find one person who has the life I want in this field. It’s… idk. Lonely.
Anyway it’s dark outside & kind of dark inside. lovely people have assured me that fellowship was indeed the worst time of their lives/ this year is the hardest, & that my attending life will get better. I’m not planning on quitting. But this shit is hard. The point of medical training is to teach us to devalue ourselves, & for a while, I was a good student. But these days I feel like I’m at the bottom of my class; I’m having a much harder time accepting my toll.
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